Ok, we all know the different ways to say this, but how about all the
different songs from the wonderful eighties that discussed it (if somewhat
more poetically). Of course, this is the nineties, and you can lose your job
for talking about it. Or at least you can lose your job for advocating it
being taught, boy what a class that would be, as if you could do it wrong. So
here's the top five. If you know of others from the eighties, I'll list them
at the end Also, I don't need to hear any Michael JACKson jokes, "Beat It"
was about gangs, not about what we're talking about.
VH-1's pop up videos has done a special half-hour
program on "Self-Love." They have 4 out of the top 5 here, skipping only
"Orgasm Addict" for Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey" which isn't about
masturbation anyways. They don't credit this page or anything, but I'm pretty
sure it was their inspiration, as I can't imagine too many people would think
of coming up with a list of this nature anyways.
Total Number of Songs: 99
38 Special, "Hold On Loosely"
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago, Who told me, Just Hold On Loosely, but don't let go If you cling to tightly, you're gonna lose control obviously about masturbation.Cling to it tightly you're gonna lose control if u keep going you'll ejaculate
Submitted by: Frank
Adam Ant, "Desperate But Not Serious"
This song is about the press and their harassment of Mr Ant and has the immortal line 'If you don't stop you will go blind'
Submitted by: Adam
Alice Cooper, "I'm Your Gun "
Lyrics - "Pull my trigger, I get bigger, then I'm lots of fun.....I'm your gun, gun, gun! Bite my bullet! Push & Pull it, dress up like a nun! I gotta muscle I can flex and some funky little specs if you think your going blind!"
Submitted by: John L
America, "You Can Do Magic"
Here's an 80's track about a guy talking to his hand: "...You can do magic; You can have anything that you desire; Magic, and you know you're the one who can put out the fire..."
Submitted by: Alexander Chang
Atlanta Rhythm Section, "Imaginary Lover"
I've always thought this song was a very nice way to write a song about it.
Submitted by: ernie lambert
Australian Crawl, "Boys Light Up"
Generally, the song is about a mature woman who masturbates and has sex with lots of younger boys. Examples are as follow: "she's got fifty ways to lead that boy astray" She's got all the sex tricks in the book (blow jobs, etc.)to keep this younger man interested. "Silently she opens the drawer, mother's littles helper, is coming out for more. Strategically positioned, before the midday show, the back is arched, those lips are parched, repeated blow by blow" Quite obviously describing a woman taking her dildo out for use and the subsequent carnal pleasure and resulting orgasm "Later, at the party, all the MPs rave, 'bout the hummers she's been giving, and the money that they save, to her it is skin lotion" Describing the numerous blows jobs she performs on people within the community and the little revenue she chooses to recieve. ALso describes her perspective on and adaptation to semen and other fluid products which emit form the penis. A good clue to all this is the CD cover which features the band standing on the beach perving on a naked chic sunbathing. The boys certainly do light up.
Submitted by: Martin Wong
Beach Boys, "In My Room"
When it's dark and I'm alone,I won't be afraid.In my room,in my room (in my room)...
Submitted by: Phil
Berlin, "Sex (I'm A...)"
I'm surprised this isn't already on the list at the top, considering the blatant lyrics and I think I just had orgasm ending the song.
Submitted by: Vini
Billy Bragg, "St. Swithin's Day"
lyrics: "with my own hands, when I make love to your memory."
Billy Joel, "Sometimes a Fantasy"
Why does it only seem to hit me in the middle of the night
You told me there's a number I can always dial for assistanc
Submitted by: Jennifer
Blancmange, "Blind Vision"
Your so tall your so tall, wrapped around my fingers hear me fall. Speaks volumes don't ya think
Submitted by: Robbie G
Book of Love, "Boy"
Definatly last verse about "now it's alright, without those boys. I sit at home at night and play with my toys." --reference of "toys" mentioned earlier in the song : "it's not my fault, i'm not a boy..it's not my fault, i don't have those toys"
Submitted by: Martian Man
Bow Wow Wow, "Sexy Eiffel Towers"
A lot of moaning and gasping from Annabella Lwin that made "I want Candy". Phallic symbol is obvious.
Submitted by: Joe Liu
Bruce Springsteen, "Ramrod"
"I swear I think of your pretty face when I let it unwind" Enough said?
Submitted by: David Billotti
The Buzzcocks, "Palm Of Your Hand"
the CC band, "Strokin'"
You'd have to be a dildo-head to think that that song is about masturbation. It's about intercourse, straight ahead and backdoor.
Submitted by: Clarence Carter
Charlie Sexton, "Beat So Lonely "
This guy was the wonder kid guitar player from Austin that was going to replace Stevie Ray Vaughn on the David Bowie - Let's Dance tour. Went solo and had a hit with this one.
Submitted by: CCDyer
Clarence Carter, "Strokin'"
From the album Dr. C.C. in 1986.
Submitted by: Dean
Couchois, "Do It In Darkness"
Lyric: "Now if you've lost all your women and they're treating you cruel. You can lock yourself inside a room, 'cause there's a way to stay cool. You can do it darkness...to keep yourself from going blind. Just turn around the golden rule. Here's what I mean: You should do to yourself what you would have others do to you." I can't remember exactly when this song came out. It was somewhere in the '78-'80 period, when I was in high school.
Submitted by: Alaric Francesco
Crispin "Hellion" Glover, "Automanipulator"
The album he put out is sort of a quirky, spoken-word/novelty album but it's pretty interesting. I used to play parts of it on college radio.
Submitted by: Bill
Croissant, "At Night"
The open lyrics are: "when i'm sitting alone at night, and have the chance, i might get a little lonely so why not...?"
Submitted by: Stacey Jumps In
Culture Club, "Miss Me Blind"
Bet you got a good gun
Bet you know how
To have some fun
You turn it around on me
Because I'm better than the rest of the men
From Email: Now, knowing this is Boy George it's not too far off to figure he is talking of another man, it would make sense that gun = penis, and to "turn it around on me" would mean that he is gonna think of Boy George when he masturbates.
Now there's no need
Grab my golden hand
I'll teach you
And you'll never be sure
If the way that you need
Is too much like greed
Decide if you are rich or you're poor
or how about this verse
Bet you make the fool run
Bet you know how
To make it last 4 ever
The Cure, "Close To Me"
From Email: I don't think it ever got a lot of play except on the alternative and college radio, but what about The Cure's "Close to me" off of "Head on the Door" and "Staring at the Sea, the Singles"? If this isn't a masturbation song, I don't know what is.
Dan Hartman, "I Can Dream About You"
"No more timing each tear that falls from my eyes I'm not hiding the remedy to cure this old heart of mine ... I can dream about you If I can't hold you tonight I can dream about you You know how to hold me just right ... I don't understand it I can't keep my mind off loving you Ooo, now baby, I'm caught up in the magic I see in you There's one thing to do" oh, now cmon, dont tell me this isnt.....I can DREAM about you?
Submitted by: Billy Florio
Dead or Alive, "Far too Hard"
Never make it with your own reflection
oh it is me who holds my stirring wheel for me oh it has a strange appeal,
and my minds drowning in the pools made from self love
if I could tell the ways that I have come right face to face no it would be fare to hard
(hhmmmm it a bit obvious what this song is about)
Depeche Mode, "Never Let Me Down Again"
I always heard this from others in high school and the lyrics could be interpreted that way, but like many songs mentioned here, there is likely a deeper meaning.
Submitted by: Ned
depeche mode, "never let me down"
Its not about masterbation/self love. Its drugs and how his friend will take him places
Submitted by: obrob
Devo, "Jerkin' Back and Forth"
I think this song is self explanatory.
Submitted by: Jaclyn
Divinyls, "Touch Myself"
This one came out in 1990, but is definately worth mentioning.
Duran Duran, "Big Thing"
From Email: "Get it up, get it out, get it in time" is the first lyric. They go on to sing things like "This is temptation, power rotation. Give me the friction and watch me make it, make it up, making out, making it slide."
My Response: I think this one qualifies under the category of the subtle double entendre. My first impression of this song is that it's about making it big in the music, which is where the term power rotation comes from.
Duran Duran, "Reflex"
Submitted by: Rain M
Elvis Costello, "Pump It Up"
Elvis Costello said one time in an interview that this is what the song was about. "Pump it up until you can feel it. Pump it up though you don't really need it." He's trying to get a girl who has no interest in him so he has to "pump it up." "No use wishing now for any other sin." i.e. no use trying to have sex with her cause it won't work so stick to the sin of masturbation.
The Embarrassment, "Elizabeth Montgomery's Face"
Lyrics: And I guess it stuck in my mind
When I slept, it was there
I could feel it in the sheets
It was there.
They say it's going to fall off
Submitted by: Mark
The English Beat, "Hit It"
"You could not be in better hands...so relax and hand it to yourself...Hit it!"
Faith No More, "Epic"
Mike Patton once said in an interview that this song was "about jerking off." Mike's not one to mince words. At any rate, the chorus is the part of the song that sticks out in its relation to masturbation: "You want it all, but you can't have it...it's in your face, but you can't grab it." This relates to looking at pornographic pictures and wanting the women, but not being able to reach out and grab them, despite the fact that you're staring right at them...so, instead, grabbing something ELSE. It's pretty obscure, and Patton was much more explicit in 1991's "Girls of Porn" by his other band, Mr. Bungle...which is, in my humble opinion, the greatest masturbation song of all time...
Submitted by: James O'Blivion
Frankie Goes to Hollywood, "Relax"
Relax by Frankie was banned by Radio 1 (BBC pop radio station) i.e. they refused to play it, they have done this with quite a few records and all of them did very well. [e.g. "Ebeneezer Goode" by the Shamen which was in about 1993 and had the chorus "Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode" i.e. it sounds like "e's are good" e being short for ecstasy the current Evil Killer Drug that the Youth are apparently poisoning themselves with and the media are over-reacting to] Radio 1 now plays lots of alternative records including some with (gasp!) swearing. Also it's not about masturbation, i think, but about anal sex. At least that's what everyone always says it's about (e.g. when it was re-released a few years ago and they went on about how it was banned and thus probably a far bigger hit than it would normally have been) which seems quite likely as Holly Johnston and I think most of Frankie is gay.
Gary Numan, "(everyday) I Die"
This is the live version played on his first world tour which in the U.K. was 1979. However this song was not played live in America until 1980. The main part of the lyric follows. "The problems of need I need you Obscene dreams in Rusty beds No-one came here Tonight I pulled on me I need to I unstick pages and read I look at pictures of you I smell the lust in my hand Everyday I die"
Submitted by: Kevin Lee
GG Allin and the Scumf**ks, "I Wanna F**k Myself"
Kinda obvious, but, it's worth a mention. Mike Patton also did a cover of this song, and I believe he did it with his band Mr. Bungle.
Submitted by: Jeff
Grapes of Wrath, "Self-Abuse"
Lyrics: Through every household And every kitchen As every housewife Brings to a boil Another night of self-abuse
Hawkwind/Pop Will Eat Itself, ""Orgone Accumulator""
No, it's not about a "wanking machine" -- look up Wilhelm Reich and orgone accumulators.Granted, the lyrics _sound_ dirty.
Submitted by: The Oregon Trail
Hawkwind/Pop Will Eat Itself, "Orgone Accumulator"
Too much... The chorus reads "I got an Orgone Accumulator/And it makes me feel greater/I'll see you some time later/When I'm through with my accumulator/Its no social integrater/its a one man isolator/Its a Backbrain stimulator/Its a cerebral vibrator/And its made out of orgone." Hawkwind might not qualify, but PWEI was in the 80s. And its about a wanking machine. That should do it.
Submitted by: Leo
Howard Jones, "Lift Me Up"
I've got your picture in the palm of my hand And I'm squeezin' it I'm teasin' it
Submitted by: Steanne McCall
Ivor Biggun and the Red Nosed Burglars, "I'm a Wanker"
Submitted by: Thomas Cairns
The Jackers, "Rubb It"
They talk bout pullin their planks all the way through. very early eighties, bout 81 - 82.
Submitted by: Bob Newton
Jackson Browne, "Rosie"
Well, 1977- not exactly the '80's, but I can't believe you haven't listed this one at all!
Submitted by: Lisa
Julian Cope, ""Eve's Volcano (Covered in Sin)""
"In my hands I got all that I own, in my hands I got nothing at all, my arms start pumping, my fists do it too".Later he says, "My heart stops beating and I'm covered in sin."
Submitted by: Antarctica
kaitlin, "how ever"
It is a song about how ever you will get there you will!
Submitted by: kaitlin
Kate Bush, "Sat In Your Lap"
A wonderful song about gaining sexual experience through the art of masturbation!
Submitted by: Christian Clark
Killer Pussy, "Dildo Desire"
It's one of those nights you don't need a date.
It's one of those nights I want to masturbate.
Submitted by: Matt Williams
Killer Pussy, "Pocket Pool"
the lines: "Mommas little baby plays pocket pool, pocket pool. Mommas little baby is a pocket pool man."I'm pretty sure this has to do with self gratification.
King Missile, "Dick"
This is kind of more of a spoken word King Missile piece, but it's still cute.
Submitted by: rubine
Kix, "The Itch"
If I had a camera I'd take a picture of you
I'd get a full size blow up
And some wallet size too
I'd hang it up in my bedroom
And every time I walk in
I bend over my pillow
And you'd be under my skin
Submitted by: Tim Dolan
Lene Lovich, "New Toy"
Submitted by: Emily
Loverboy, "Loving Every Minute of It"
Turn that dial all the way....Shoot me like a rocket into space"
"You want me, to come alive....turn the switch into overdrive"
This song is about a woman with a vibrator
Madonna, "Get Into The Groove"
Double Entrendre? You decide, Lyrics: Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free/ at night I lock the door so no one else can see/I"m tired of dancing here all by myself/tonight I want to dance with someone else
Marc Almond, "Mother Fist"
From the album "Mother Fist and her 5 Daughters"
Marvin Gaye, "Sexual Healing"
Not actually about masturbation per se, but if you listen to the very end of the song as it is fading out you can hear Marvin croon "Please don't procrastinate, I don't want to masturbate"
Submitted by: Adam
The Meatmen, "Orgy of One"
The Members, "Stand Up And Spit"
Had an album called "At The Chelsea Nightclub" which had the lines: And you're wanking in your pillow
'cause you just can't seem to make through another night on your own."
Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Submitted by: Loosey
The Moody Blues, "Sitting at the Wheel"
Never thought you'd hear THEM singing about whacking off? Oh, yes they did! Actually, it's not really, but this line sure would make one think it. Like a voyeur standing at the edge of time Looking for a reason that's got no rhyme Love took a corner, shot off for a mile I'm sitting at the wheel Rock on, rocker Some would consider me blasphemous for saying this. What can I say?
Submitted by: Stormy
Motley Crue, "RattleSnake Shake"
Call 976, and let my hand do the rest
Submitted by: The Motley Kid
The Nails, "88 Lines About 44 Women"
One of the lines is: "...Joan thought men were second best at masturbating in the bath..."
New Order, "The Perfect Kiss"
Just the lines "I'd rather stay at home playing with my pleaseure zone" and "Live in the land of fun" First time I heard of those lyrics I thought they were about masturbation
New Order, "Touched By The Hand Of God"
This song is supposedly about masturbation - Bernard Sumner actually implied this once in an interview.
Submitted by: ben
Oingo Boingo, "Good for Your Soul"
Lyrics: Every lay there half asleep all hours of the night With some nagging demon tugging at that tiny bell Inside your mind When suddenly that strange idea Bursts into an inspiration You grab for it and then The whole thing slips right through your fingers CHORUS Just once or twice is good for your soul Just once or twice is good for your soul Just once or twice is good for your soul Just once or twice is good for your soul
Submitted by: Joe Emenaker
Oingo Boingo, "Nasty Habits"
Do you like to romp and play by yourself when they're away?
Nasty habits, nasty habits Do you peek at magazines filled with doggies and leather queens?
Nasty habits, nasty habits
Submitted by: Billy
Ozzy Osbourne, "No Bone Movies"
While this is technically about porn addiction there are some mastabutory references in there. "Voyeur straining in love with his hand A poison passion a pulsating gland" This was from his 1980 "Blizzard of Oz" album
Submitted by: Sagekat
Pixies, "The Holiday Song"
"This ain't no holiday/But it always turns out this way/Here I am, with my hand" I think I remember Frank Black saying this is a direct reference to masturbation. If you can ignore the fact that the rest of the song seems to be about incest then it's a nice little tune.
Submitted by: Iuval Moog
Pointer sisters, "Slow Hand"
'Cause I got a man with a slow hand
I got a lover with an easy touch
I found somebody who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush
I found somebody who will understand
When it comes to love, I want a slow hand
If I want it all night
Please say it's alright
It's not a fast move
But a slow groove
On my mind
Not much more to be said, not a song about self pleasure, but masturbation all the same. Oddly, the song is actually written by a man.
Submitted by: Neil Richardson
The Police, "The Bed's Too Big Without You"
Made love to my pillow but it didn't feel right
Submitted by: danomedia
Prince, "Darling Nikki"
Just for the lines "I met her in a hotel lobby, masturbating with a magazine."
Prince, "Jack U Off"
"If you're gettin' kinda hungry,I'll jack u off", or "As a matter of fact,you can jack me off!
Submitted by: Cire Nosrevets
Lyrics:There I go falling for a face in a magazine, All alone by myself, me and I play my tamborine
Submitted by: Richard
Robyn Hitchcock and the Egyptians, "Vibrating"
Saga, "On The Loose"
One day you feel quite stable The next you're comin' off the wall I see the problem start I watch the tension grow I see you keeping it to yourself And then instead of reaching conclusions I see you reaching for something else When the pace is too fast And I think I won't last You know where I'll be found I'll be standing here beside myself Getting ready for the final round.
Submitted by: Chris
"seminal" Australian band, who were the "Rolling Stones" to the soft, but popular Beatles "Sherbet". Lyrics include (from memory) - Go into the cinema and give yourself a treat; Better take a raincoat, could be sticky on the seat. Ahh, Ah. Open up your Twisties [a popular confection]and open up your thighs; No-one seems to notice as your hand slips down your side Ahh, ah! Movies almost over, and still you're not quite there; John Wayne pulls a gun out and you wish you'd some to spare. Ahh, ah! It's on the Skyhooks album - Living in the seventies. Download it and see what you think. It was sufficient in its day to have it banned from the Australian airways - and at the time, they were THE most popular Australian band (even above an emerging AC/DC)!!!
Submitted by: Dave
Sparks, "Angst in My Pants"
If the song title doesn't give it away, the lyrics do. The song begins with the following lines to set up the situation "I hope it doesn't show It'll go 'way It's just a passing phase It'll go away" Later, he sings "But when you're all alone And nothing bites You'll wish you stayed at home With someone nice But when you think you made it disappear It comes again, "Hello, I'm here", and I've got angst in my pants" But the best line is the following "But when you're all alone You and your head" But when he sings it, it sounds like he says "hand" instead of "head" which makes the line real funny.
Submitted by: Ken
Squeeze, "Touching Me, Touching You"
First line: I'm always touching myself, I've got nothing else to do. And when I'm touching myself, I'm always thinking of you...
Submitted by: Hippie Johnny
Squeeze, "Touching Me, Touching You"
Song came out in 1979, but it's in the 80s style. The lyrics are pretty obvious on this one.
Submitted by: Jason D'Orazio
Suzanne Vega, "Marlene On The Wall"
This song is really a thinly disguised rant about soldiers masturbating over a pin up girl. Listen to words about "rise and fall" and "I am changing", etc. It's all there.
Thomas Dolby, "The Key to Her Ferrari"
The straight interpretation of the song is that Dolby is going out with this girl and he's become obsessed with her Ferrari. He finally gets the keys, and "rivers of anticipation ran down his inseam" as he starts the car. He then starts to masturbate, getting more aroused as the car's speed increases. Finally, his "love exploded all over her pink leather interior". Right after he climaxes he "thinks of his mother" (gross!). An alternate view of the song is that the ferrari symbolizes the girl herself. I disagree because Dolby earlier proclaims to the girl "I don't want your figure", "I don't want your love", and "I don't want your body".
Submitted by: Jason D'Orazio
Tommy Tutone, "867-5309/Jenny"
I tried to call you up, but I lost my nerve.
I tried my imagination, but I was disturbed.
I had always imagined that line as: he's trying to imagine what Jenny is like, but he is, well... disturbed his mind, that is. However, someone pointed out to me the possibility that it meant that, while engaging in a masturbatory fantasy about the elusive Jenny, someone interrupts his activities.
The Undertones, "Teenage Kicks"
This song is not about masturbation. It is derogatory for you to say that it is. John O'Neill who wrote the song is adamant that it is not about masturbation. Please remove it from your list. Andy Ferguson - Manager - The Undertones.
Submitted by: Andy Ferguson
The Undertones, "Teenage Kicks"
Submitted by: Jonny B
Van Halen, "Panama"
In the middle of the song everything mellows out and song David Lee Roth says, "reach down between my legs, ease the seat back......" Then back to the rockin' song!
Submitted by: Derek
VIOLENT FEMMES, "Blister in the sun"
This is the ANTHEM for masturbation, are you kidding me!!!
Submitted by: syd8ed
Violent Femmes, "Blister in the Sun"
..I stain the sheets, I don't even know why
W.A.S.P., "Animal (F**k) like a Beast"
Lyics include "i got pictures of naked ladies lying on the bed, whiff that smell and sweet convulsion Starts a-Swelling inside my head I'm making artificial lovers for free I start to howl I'm in heat I moan and growl and the hunt drives me crazy I f*** like a Beast "
Submitted by: Rory
"Weird Al" Yankovic, "One More Minute"
'Cause I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love
And I have to use the self-service pumps
Wham, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"
'Cause I'm not plannin' on going solo
Submitted by: William Goodey
Whitesnake, "Here I Go Again"
"Oh Lord I pray you give me strength to carry on" "And here I go again on my own" "Waiting on love's sweet charity" "And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days"
Submitted by: KitKat
Whitesnake, "Slide It In"
All these songs are taken from 'Slide It In' - Whitesnake's 1984 album. The first half of 'Slow 'n' Easy is obviously about masturbation, and the others are pretty damn suggestive.
Submitted by: Sam
Whitney Houston, "Foss"
The Greatest Love of All Whitney Houston.
Submitted by: Jamie
The Who, "Pictures of Lily"
Think of what the horns John Entwhistle is playing are supposed to represent.
Submitted by: Phil
XTC, "Pink Thing"
Ooo, I'm crazy for you, pink thing
Oh, pink thing, spit in my eye
Andy Partridge, The singer of XTC, has stated in interviews that the song has TWO meanings -- it's either about a baby or a penis.
Submitted by: Metal Man
ZZ Top, "Velcro Fly"
They're not just singing about the marvelous material, as evidenced by these lines:
It feels so right when you squeeze it tight,
when you reach the end, do it over again
ZZ Top, "Woke Up With Wood"
A lesser known tune off their Afterburner album. It's basically what the whole song is about, but since they sing it in the typical ZZTop style, you almost overlook the lyrics entirely (which is difficult since the title of this song is also the refrain).