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Ten Criteria for the Perfect 80's Music Video, Index

Compiled mostly by Chris Pyhtila with the help of Andy Pachmayer, Chris Burger, and Aaron Fynewever

Further commentary added by ChuckyG and various web visitors...

This page currently edited by: Rio Rhodes. Past editor: Rock 'n' Roll Fan

The Original Criteria

  1. At least one babe
  2. Poofy hair
  3. Torn clothing
  4. Cheesy keyboards
  5. At least one change of clothing
  6. Stage effects (smoke, lasers, etc.) or visual effects (artist jumping through a TV, disappearing, etc.)
  7. Wild instrumental or record scratch solo
  8. A storyline
  9. A cool car (although any kind of transportation is acceptable, like a plane or a car or a motorcycle)
  10. Sunglasses

So far, I've only seen 2 videos which meet all 10 criteria: ZZ Top's "Legs" and D.J. Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand." There are a few that make 9 of 10. This is very frustrating...

  • The Cars: "You Might Think" (no torn clothing)
  • Debbie Gibson: "Shake Your Love" (no storyline) & "Electric Youth" (no car). Most every DG video from the 80's has 9 of 10. She should have checked with me before making them.
  • The Fat Boys w/The Beach Boys: "Wipeout" (no keyboards)
  • A Flock of Seagulls "I Ran" meets all but one, I think. The only thing it lacks is a cool car. If you count those weird alien babes as babes, and that one solo towards the end as "wild" then they are only one away. Just a comment. BTW, awesome page!
Here's another almost
  • Madonna's, "Material Girl"
    1. At least one babe: Madonna
    2. Poofy Hair: the bloke in the car with her when she says That's Right
    3. Torn Clothing: The bloke who sells the chappy that van at the end
    4. Cheesy Keyboards: Mmm - the whole song is a cheesy keyboard
    5. At least one change of clothes: Or six
    6. Stage effects: the blokes who pick Madge up could be mistaken for machines, they look like the American Kraftwerk!
    7. Wild Instrumental: Oh, no, bummer, all there is is Madge going Ah! Ah! Ow! Ow! to the cheesy bit mentioned earlier. Damn
    8. Storyline: Yes - the bloke pursuing her and finally getting her
    9. A cool car: the one with the Tony Hadley lookalike in who she says That's Right
    10. Sunglasses: I'm sure she wears them at some point, she usually does.
  • Eurythmics's, "Love Is A Stranger"
    1. Babe? Annie Lennox!
    2. Poofy hair? Annie has a poofy wig!
    3. Torn clothing? Maybe.
    4. Cheezy keyboards? In the instrumental track!
    5. Min. one change of clothing? Annie changes from 'fur coat' girl to dominatrix to a man!
    6. Effects? A little slow motion.
    7. Wild instrumental? Between the dominatrix scene and the one where Annie gets into the car as a man!
    8. Storyline? Maybe.
    9. Cool car? A really vintage British auto!
    10. Sunglasses? Dave Stewart has them on for all the clip and Annie wears them at the end!

Additional Videos that Meet the Criteria

Ok, you all watched videos at one point in your life, admit it! Now, try and think back and give me a few vids you think met the criteria (and list out the criteria in order). Latest entries added to the page Songs beginning with: [Index] [A] [B] [C] [D] [E] [F] [G] [H] [I] [J] [K] [L] [M] [N] [O] [P] [Q] [R] [S] [T] [U] [V] [W] [X] [Y] [Z] [misc]
Great White's, "Lady Red Light"
  1. Babes? Tall blonde Tracy Martinsen
  2. Poofy Hair? Lead guitarist had hair bigger than mine
  3. Torn Clothing? pretty sure
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? maybe a little
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? Yes! Love to have her wardrobe
  6. Stage Effects? got it!
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? Great riff
  8. Storyline? absolute tribute to beautiful woman he's totally got it for
  9. Cool Automobile? the harley she's sitting on
  10. Sunglasses? maybe
Submitted by: Mick
Pat Benatar's, "Love is a Battlefield"
  1. Babes? Pat and all the other unfortunate young girls
  2. Poofy Hair? Pat again, especially in the sleazy bar
  3. Torn Clothing? All the girls, they were down on their luck ya know
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? definitely key boards... cheesy? You decide.
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? At least twenty:)
  6. Stage Effects? Smoky bar, running lights on stage...
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? Needed to effectively dance the pimp down
  8. Storyline? Rebel teen leaves home finds her freedom and the reality of life gets caught up with a super seedy pimp becomes strong and dances her way out of a sticky situation... oh yeah there's a storyline
  9. Cool Automobile? Rides in and out on a bus, lots of city traffic...
  10. Sunglasses? The guy with the red bandanna and no shirt in the park
Submitted by: Rachel Morgan
The Monitors's, "What Will We Be Singing In The 80's"
  1. Babes? Gayle and Gillian Blakney, once of neighbours fame.
  2. Poofy Hair? Just look at the girls dressed as Kiss Members
  3. Torn Clothing? Not Really unless you count the hospital gown, they're torn up the back.
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? heaps of cheesy keyboard
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? not really
  6. Stage Effects? heaps of cool effects (video disc)
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? Goofy Lead Break, backlit with smoke, Kewl
  8. Storyline? Well, the 80's
  9. Cool Automobile? A Wheelchair
  10. Sunglasses? Do Painted Eyes Count.....
Submitted by: OzDrDj
Gary Neuman's, "Cars"
  1. Babes? Gary had enough foundation and eyeliner to almost count. - Besides the vid was so 80's it didn't matter :P
  2. Poofy Hair? ummm, no; Gary had lots o' gel.... - Besides the vid was so 80's it didn't matter :P
  3. Torn Clothing? ummmmm..........no the band was very neat...- Besides the vid was so 80's it didn't matter :P
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? yup...well not cheesy but..- Besides the vid was so 80's it didn't matter :P
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? yup
  6. Stage Effects? Big neon triangle/ mirros and smoke..
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? no - Besides the vid was so 80's it didn't matter :P
  8. Storyline? nope - Besides the vid was so 80's it didn't matter :P
  9. Cool Automobile? Well........the SONG was about cars...huh? huh??
  10. Sunglasses? somewhere in there...had to be a pair
Submitted by: Bill
Asia's, "Don't Cry"
  1. Babes? Yes sir. The evil Goddess/siren that abuses each band member throughout the video
  2. Poofy Hair? Yes......not so much the band, but our evil siren again
  3. Torn Clothing? Geoff Downes has some tattered stuff on while searching the desert for the Alpha Pyramid.
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? No. Very majestic in sound. Magical.
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? Yes..our siren once again. A disguise to trick our fellow Asians.
  6. Stage Effects? The whole video is a B movie tribute to "Raiders of the Lost Ark" Lot's a goodies in the video.
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? Yes. The song has some great riffs by both guitar and keyboards.
  8. Storyline? The 4 members of Asia (John Wetton, Steve Howe, Geoff Downes, and Carl Palmer are in Egypt in the 1940's. They are looking for a Pyramid that must contain some kind of treasure. Each one meets his demise (except Wetton...who seems to fall for the siren) at the end of the video. The very end sees Wetton walking away from the disguised siren while his fellow bands mates watch. It's almost like a foreshadowing of things to come for the other 3. The end of the video is really the beginning. Quinten Tarrintino eat your heart out!
  9. Cool Automobile? No....but some very cool sets of a bar set in Egypt during the 1940's complete with Natzi's, a jungle, a desert, and a very cool pyramid taken right from Asia's second album cover ALPHA.
  10. Sunglasses? No...but they probably could have used them during the desert and jungle scenes.
Submitted by: Art
Y Kant Tori Read's, "The Big Picture"
  1. Babes? Tori Amos and the background dancers (note: Y Kant Tori Read were Tori's band back in 1988 when she was new to the music business)
  2. Poofy Hair? Yeah, it was '88, and Tori had terribly poofy hair =)
  3. Torn Clothing? She wears torn jeans
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? Oh yeah, the whole song has some cheesy keyboards!
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? In the first scene Tori wears a green sexy top, in another one she has a white dress
  6. Stage Effects? One word: smoke
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? The piano solo =)
  8. Storyline? Tori had parked her car on some wrong place. When she came back, she recognized someone had broken the window of her car and the person had stolen stuff as well. A policeman came along and gave her a parking ticket, but she didn't accept it because she wanted to him to catch the thief. (D'awwwww, poor Tori!)
  9. Cool Automobile? The car with the broken window XD
  10. Sunglasses? The policeman wears some
Submitted by: Jane
Guns N'Roses's, "Don't Cry"
  1. Babes? There is gorgeous Stephany Seymour but Axl makes a hotter babe
  2. Poofy Hair? Slash's fro' does it!
  3. Torn Clothing? slash has torn jeans---hell yeah
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? nothing is cheesy about GN'R --no keyboards!
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? axl wears a suit when he talks to the hot blonde and makes stephany jealous--and wears a long trench coat when he visits his own grave and of course on the top of the building
  6. Stage Effects? cool camera shots
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? SLASH helooo!!
  8. Storyline? there's always a story behind every GN'R video plus he dies at the end- supposedly
  9. Cool Automobile? the very cool car that slash drives off the cliff
  10. Sunglasses? slash when driving
Submitted by: Alexia
Guns N Roses 's, "Knockin on Heavens Door"
  1. Babes? Aaron
  2. Poofy Hair? Poofy Peas
  3. Torn Clothing? Bikini Top
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? Monterey Jack Nummy
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? Red Gym Shorts
  6. Stage Effects? Marlboro Light 100's
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? Instrumental poof powers (Love)
  8. Storyline? To live with love in a beautiful place like Montana and be forever happy.
  9. Cool Automobile? Moon Car(Camaro)
  10. Sunglasses? Since I Don't Have You
Submitted by: Mona Pierson
The Cars's, "Shake It Up"
  1. Babes? Three, actually. Two brunettes and a blonde.
  2. Poofy Hair? The blonde babe had it.
  3. Torn Clothing? Not sure. I think a babe and/or bandmember had torn jeans.
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? Yes, but I don't think they're cheesy. Most people would.
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? Yes, after they're done in the car, they dance around with all the people and I am 90% sure they change clothes.
  6. Stage Effects? None that I can think of.
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? Yeah, guitar solo at the end when they keep saying "Shake it up" over and over.
  8. Storyline? They pick up a bunch of people who have shaking items. Like a granny with a bell, a blonde babe with a snowglobe, then they drive around shaking things in a convertible and having fun.
  9. Cool Automobile? DUH! The awesome red convertible they all drive in!!!!!
  10. Sunglasses? I think the lead singer wears them.
Submitted by: Kat
Aerosmith's, "Rag Doll"
  1. Babes? the chicks in the windows,coming out of the houses
  2. Poofy Hair? joe perry, and steve tylar i think
  3. Torn Clothing? don't think so
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? no
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? joe perry the clothes he was wearing on stage to the street, steve tylar does the same thing too
  6. Stage Effects? i think there was some lights
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? the guitar solo, and the beginning was awesome
  8. Storyline? its about a chick who sleeps with the band
  9. Cool Automobile? steve was driving a corba
  10. Sunglasses? steve was wearing some
Submitted by: amber
Depeche Mode's, "Strangelove"
  1. Babes? Two babes
  2. Poofy Hair? Martin and the two girls have poofy hair
  3. Torn Clothing? Erm well, one of the girls takes her clothes off, so yeah...
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? There are keyboards and I don't think they're cheesy, but call them cheesy if you want ;)
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? Not really
  6. Stage Effects? Erm ... the parts where Dave is dancing show some moving backgrounds ... and there are a few cartoons
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? The intro ^^ erm, no, not really, but the intro is such a cool keyboard part/solo
  8. Storyline? Hmmm ... the guys pick up two random models/bitches XD honestly, I don't get the story
  9. Cool Automobile? There is a car driving in the background
  10. Sunglasses? Yeessssss, all four of them wear sunglasses
Submitted by: Danielle
Areosmith's, "Love In An Elvator"
  1. Babes? the chick in the elevator, the 2 chicks change from them things in the store window
  2. Poofy Hair? i'm sure there was
  3. Torn Clothing? i'm sure they did
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? no
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? were they are in the store to on stage
  6. Stage Effects? they go from store to stage,and the solo from on top of the elvator
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? joe perry
  8. Storyline? doing it in an elvator
  9. Cool Automobile? no cars
  10. Sunglasses? i can't rember
Submitted by: amber
Genesis's, "Land of Confusion"
  1. Babes? Nancy Reagan.
  2. Poofy Hair? No poofs, but plenty of mullets!
  3. Torn Clothing? Genesis weren't a torn-clothes type of band, but there are plenty of big shoulders and long coats.
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? Plenty of dated synth and drum machines-the rhythm section is a damn drum machine! Phil Collins is an awesome drummer, but you couldn't tell here.
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? Ronnie desperately trying to put on a Superman suit.
  6. Stage Effects? The whole video is performed by grotesque caricature-puppets of the band, '80s political figures, and a big We Are The World-type finale chock-full of celebrities musical and non-musical. There are two Phil Collins puppets, one singing while the other drums.
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? The entire song, if the treble is turned down even slightly, sounds like a drum machine solo.
  8. Storyline? Puppet Reagan dreams of being Superman, a caveman, and a cowboy, in the name defending us from those cursed Commies.
  9. Cool Automobile? The Gipper rides a Stegosaurus.
  10. Sunglasses? Certainly a few celebs at the finale are wearing sunglasses.
Submitted by: Tony
Poison's, "I Want Action"
  1. Babes? There's chicks in the beginning, in the car with Bret...everywhere.
  2. Poofy Hair? It was POISON...everyone had big hair, including the chicks. No open flame near their hair...
  3. Torn Clothing? Torn? Try falling off.
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? They were cheesy enough to not have cheesy keyboards.
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? My gosh those boys have more clothes than a Goodwill.
  6. Stage Effects? Pyro...pyro...pyro...I think some lime green lights and lazers too.
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? Of course...C.C. went nuts on that guitar.
  8. Storyline? Getting groupies.
  9. Cool Automobile? Yeah, Bret's in a convertible with two chicks.
  10. Sunglasses? Yup, the big cheap black ones.
Submitted by: Jen Lyons
Dio's, "Rock and Roll Children"
  1. Babes? The teenage girl that is the focus of the storyline.
  2. Poofy Hair? Dio hasn't the poofiest of all of them.
  3. Torn Clothing? The teenage girl has a torn sleeveless shirt on.
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? No keyboards.
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? The two teenagers see themselves in a bunch of different scenarios that they don't want to be in and change clothes to match the scene.
  6. Stage Effects? The whole video is an effect. They go into a wardrobe and end up in Dio's pyschoticland.
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? Massive guitar riffs
  8. Storyline? The teenage boy and girl are struggling through to find their true identies.
  9. Cool Automobile? Car parked outside of Dio's store.
  10. Sunglasses? Someone had them on, I'm sure of it!
Submitted by: Rosie
Huey Lewis's, "Doin It All For My Baby"
  1. Babes? Bride of Frankenstien
  2. Poofy Hair? The girl has huge hair.
  3. Torn Clothing? Dudes playing on the wall have torn pants.
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? Yup
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? Huey's three roles.
  6. Stage Effects? The lightning and tons of other places
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? 5 minutes and 30 seconds into the full video
  8. Storyline? Huey dies, and the band stumbles to a haunted mansion.
  9. Cool Automobile? Car that crushes Huey.
  10. Sunglasses? Member of the Band
Submitted by: myspace.com/therealrangerjoe
Nena's, "Just A Dream"
  1. Babes? Yes, another Nena song besides 99 Luftballons. She had many, and quite a lot of them were huge hits in Germany. in 1982, the band went to number 5 in the German charts with "Nur Getraumt". In 1984, they were planning an international album, and thus decided to remake some songs in English, ("99 Red Balloons" comes to mind)...Well, Nur Getraumt, which means "Only a Dream" was remade in English as "Just A Dream. Protest if you want, but I consider Nena to, yes, be a babe, and quite a sexy one. She still looks radiant today. She is a successful solo artist in Germany now.
  2. Poofy Hair? Yes, the entire band rocked the big hair...or really, it was moderately big hair, not too outlandish. They were definately not some stupid metal hair-band with a lead singer that dry-heaved into microphones
  3. Torn Clothing? Nena's outfit on stage was usually something like so: 1. Tight pants 2. An armless, rather baggy shirt that she would bind at the waist with a belt...Her on-stage shirts almost always featured the Rolling Stone's trademark tongue. 3. Her always-present, thin gold chain with hoop earrings or her guitar-pick earrings. 4. A headband and a wristband There's bound to be some torn clothing in there somewhere, it's just not made obvious in the video
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? I don't think they're cheesy, but, yes, there is a keyboard chorus in nearly all Nena (as a band) songs. They even had a keyboardist, Uwe Fahrenkrog-Petersen, as part of the band rather than different keyboardists who would tour with them.
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? Yes...I think there are three
  6. Stage Effects? Whenever the band is on stage there are lighting effects and there is dry ice.
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? No.
  8. Storyline? No, not particularly. The song itself has a storyline but the video doesn't.
  9. Cool Automobile? Their tour bus that they board at the end of the video. Tour busses are of course cool, because they are made to accommodate the normally high-maintenance rockstars
  10. Sunglasses? Yes, Nena wears them when running onto the stage.
Submitted by: Michael Spencer, UK
Twisted Sister's, "Leader of the pack"
  1. Babes? Heck ya the girl that is playing the part of Dee Sniders girl
  2. Poofy Hair? yeah I think one member has poofy hair in the video
  3. Torn Clothing? no but the other stuff takes place for that
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? i think so either that or it was a bass guitar .
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? yeah on Dee Snider
  6. Stage Effects? yeah car explosion the great use of lighting and the living posters of the band
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? yup guitar
  8. Storyline? yes about a motorcycle gangster guy meets a girl the girl falls for him her parents try to tell her that he is not a good influence for her she continues to go out with him until her father tells her to break up with him and find a new guy the gangster asks why they had to break up but she felt too heartbroken . out of heartbreak she takes the car and goes on a joyride ends up in a wreck and eventually drives off a cliff then the car explodes she is blasted into the air Dee Snider sees her in the air and catches her on the motorbike the girl , dee and the rest of the band drive off
  9. Cool Automobile? YEAH SWEET MOTORCYCLES
  10. Sunglasses? duh at least one member of Twisted Sister wears sweet sunglasses in a video
Submitted by: Nathan
Thomas Dolby's, "She Blinded Me With Science"
  1. Babes? Miss Sakamoto, you're beautiful!
  2. Poofy Hair? Dolby's hair is something. It might be called poofy.
  3. Torn Clothing? She's wearing a backless dress when they're dancing - it might have been torn?
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? Sorry, Dolby's keyboards are not cheesy.
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? Miss Sakamoto changes from her lab coat to the hot number for the dance.
  6. Stage Effects? Help me out here.
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? No, Andy Partridge's harmonica solo is on Europa.
  8. Storyline? Dolby goes to the home for Scientists. Mayhem ensues.
  9. Cool Automobile? Hell yeah - the motorcycle/sidecar thing he drives up in.
  10. Sunglasses? Aviator goggles - one step further.
Submitted by: Lisa
Jan Hammer's, "Miami Vice theme"
  1. Babes? Two girls walking in a bikini
  2. Poofy Hair? Richardo Tubbs with his short afro.
  3. Torn Clothing? Policemen wearing leisure suits at work?
  4. Cheesy Keyboards? Most of the song is with a keyboard
  5. At Least One Change of Clothing? Different kinds of leisure suits.
  6. Stage Effects? Explosions.
  7. Wild Instrumental solo? Jan Hammer wearing a keyboard.
  8. Storyline? The intro from the "Miami vice" tvshow with a little extra. Jan Hammer plays the bad guy.
  9. Cool Automobile? Ohh yeah. The famous Ferrari Daytona spyder
  10. Sunglasses? Actually...no...
Submitted by: Erling Berg Bentse
Songs beginning with: [Index] [A] [B] [C] [D] [E] [F] [G] [H] [I] [J] [K] [L] [M] [N] [O] [P] [Q] [R] [S] [T] [U] [V] [W] [X] [Y] [Z] [misc]
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